Time to go

Terrible situation when you have to avoid or leave the person you love most so that you can get away from his annoying baggage (kids). I should have known this day would come but I honestly expected it a whole lot sooner. The days with the “love of my life” seem to be coming to an end. I am finally pushed away and hopefully I can get on the road to getting back where I need to be. It’s a terrible spot to be in when you have nowhere else to go, you have no money and no vehicle. I really don’t have a choice but to go ahead and cut off the relationship, I just don’t know where to stand or how to survive. I let go of absolutely everything I had for this man that I deeply love, everything that was mine and now I’m left with broken pieces, left with nothing but emptiness and a shell. I mean, why stay with someone that puts you 2nd every single day, and you can’t even be his first for even just a few hours, right? Why stay? She’s more his wife or girlfriend than I will ever be, I guess I’m just out in this place to help him with the things that she can’t...  my only purpose?!  Hope he’s happy with the rest of his life and his princess, I think it’s time they get a shot at someone that wants to be a mother to her and spend a lot of dough that she wants.  They deserve it!

Am I enough?

Been a while since I have updated because a lot of things have changed in my life (literally everything). Back in September, I started a new life. Divorced what has been dragging me down for 13 years and searched in hopes of creating a better, more content and happy life for myself and my 3 kids. It has been wonderful and I have finally discovered what it really does feel like to be “in love”.  Sad to say yes, because I am almost 40, I have been married 2 times already and have children with them but I do honestly believe there is someone for everyone even if it’s not the one you are with at the moment, it will come to colors eventually- hang in there. I only thought I was in love at those times, but turns out... feeling what I feel now is totally different. Getting to know someone takes time and you discover so much about each other within a 10 month period that you pretty much will know if you want to be with them or not. Sometimes even though you may truly madly deeply love someone and still be so deep in love though the person and their life still just may not be suitable for you. Most of relationships I do believe come into our lives to teach us things. Good things and bad things. Things that will test your patients and abilities, things that will push you to your limits. Personally, like 1:  I do not like kids, I love babies and good kids, but I do not want responsibility of anyone else’s kids. I have had my share of helping raise nieces and nephews and step kids pretty much my entire life, I’ve gotten at that age and had enough of a negative life. I have always tried so hard to be positive, keep my head up and I simply can just no longer tolerate other kids... especially spoiled brats, ugly bossy attitudes and those that act as if they’re 15 years older than what they are and treated as if they’re entitled to anything and everything.  I love my children and will do what it takes this time to make them happy and not to feel like they’re any less special than others. I am not and never have been a parent that is lovable snuggly and cuddly and kissy all over my youth age or teenage kids, wasn’t raised that way either.  I have recently learned that for a fact “The grass is NOT greener on the other side”! Sometimes I guess with some people, like myself, your own grass simply will not get any greener, no matter how much you water it, because we do not tolerate bullshit so we’re unable to fertilize, right?! Is love worth it, is it worth your own sanity? Should you change who you are as a person and your tolerances in order to handle what your biggest aggravation in life for true love? I vowed to myself over the years that I would not ever end up with someone else that has kids that we’re not adults, we’ll let me tell y’all... I have found what I do believe is the love of my life and bet you can’t guess what has happened... yep- you guessed it! I have found myself in a spot where I have let go of absolutely everything I had and moved into a house together with the “love of my life” and then came along a responsibility and the most annoying and nagging experience (maybe soon to be step daughter) I have ever had besides my ex husbands ex wife. Yes, I said it- I still can’t say it’s worse than the mess I put up with for 13 years, but it’s rough to deal or cope. Still I am here with a smile on my face and yet it is extremely hard to do most days. I feel so pushed away at this point. Confused because I feel like I should get away from him and make that room for his special little perfect princess of his, but don’t want to because I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. I do totally understand that it is his daughter and she deserves his love and attention but I’m positive when I say, no other woman will put up with it at the levels they have with each other and the ridiculousness that goes on with it. Maybe i should just stay single... I’m thinking so because I don’t like for me and the kids being 2nd best. May sound selfish, maybe it is but I think we will be much happier not sitting back watching her sit up high on that pedi stool. It doesn’t feel that great to leave from my kids having both mom and dad in the house, even though it was misery, they didn’t feel as if they’re pushed aside and unloved and ALOT less special when others came around. I should have knew better, yes but in the beginning of this relationship, she was only around rarely and a lot less dominant in our home when she was around. Yet here it seems after I became down in the “dependent” positions, she ran all into my space, invaded everything and very deep up his tail which he highly allows.  Here I sit, unmarried, homeless bc it’s all his even though I help pay for my car payment and whatever else I can along with buying all of the needs and things for the place, I have nothing and nothing to show for it.  “Isn’t it funny how their relationship sparked into never wanting to be apart and always up each other’s rear and do everything she tells him, with her being treated like a queen after we got in a house together, when they came from a slim relationship and she barely came around”? Is a question I have often asked myself. Stay or go, either way I’m going to be miserable and unhappy. Yet I am here, with a smile on my face because I am with the man I truly love with all my heart.