Time to go

Terrible situation when you have to avoid or leave the person you love most so that you can get away from his annoying baggage (kids). I should have known this day would come but I honestly expected it a whole lot sooner. The days with the “love of my life” seem to be coming to an end. I am finally pushed away and hopefully I can get on the road to getting back where I need to be. It’s a terrible spot to be in when you have nowhere else to go, you have no money and no vehicle. I really don’t have a choice but to go ahead and cut off the relationship, I just don’t know where to stand or how to survive. I let go of absolutely everything I had for this man that I deeply love, everything that was mine and now I’m left with broken pieces, left with nothing but emptiness and a shell. I mean, why stay with someone that puts you 2nd every single day, and you can’t even be his first for even just a few hours, right? Why stay? She’s more his wife or girlfriend than I will ever be, I guess I’m just out in this place to help him with the things that she can’t...  my only purpose?!  Hope he’s happy with the rest of his life and his princess, I think it’s time they get a shot at someone that wants to be a mother to her and spend a lot of dough that she wants.  They deserve it!

Am I enough?

Been a while since I have updated because a lot of things have changed in my life (literally everything). Back in September, I started a new life. Divorced what has been dragging me down for 13 years and searched in hopes of creating a better, more content and happy life for myself and my 3 kids. It has been wonderful and I have finally discovered what it really does feel like to be “in love”.  Sad to say yes, because I am almost 40, I have been married 2 times already and have children with them but I do honestly believe there is someone for everyone even if it’s not the one you are with at the moment, it will come to colors eventually- hang in there. I only thought I was in love at those times, but turns out... feeling what I feel now is totally different. Getting to know someone takes time and you discover so much about each other within a 10 month period that you pretty much will know if you want to be with them or not. Sometimes even though you may truly madly deeply love someone and still be so deep in love though the person and their life still just may not be suitable for you. Most of relationships I do believe come into our lives to teach us things. Good things and bad things. Things that will test your patients and abilities, things that will push you to your limits. Personally, like 1:  I do not like kids, I love babies and good kids, but I do not want responsibility of anyone else’s kids. I have had my share of helping raise nieces and nephews and step kids pretty much my entire life, I’ve gotten at that age and had enough of a negative life. I have always tried so hard to be positive, keep my head up and I simply can just no longer tolerate other kids... especially spoiled brats, ugly bossy attitudes and those that act as if they’re 15 years older than what they are and treated as if they’re entitled to anything and everything.  I love my children and will do what it takes this time to make them happy and not to feel like they’re any less special than others. I am not and never have been a parent that is lovable snuggly and cuddly and kissy all over my youth age or teenage kids, wasn’t raised that way either.  I have recently learned that for a fact “The grass is NOT greener on the other side”! Sometimes I guess with some people, like myself, your own grass simply will not get any greener, no matter how much you water it, because we do not tolerate bullshit so we’re unable to fertilize, right?! Is love worth it, is it worth your own sanity? Should you change who you are as a person and your tolerances in order to handle what your biggest aggravation in life for true love? I vowed to myself over the years that I would not ever end up with someone else that has kids that we’re not adults, we’ll let me tell y’all... I have found what I do believe is the love of my life and bet you can’t guess what has happened... yep- you guessed it! I have found myself in a spot where I have let go of absolutely everything I had and moved into a house together with the “love of my life” and then came along a responsibility and the most annoying and nagging experience (maybe soon to be step daughter) I have ever had besides my ex husbands ex wife. Yes, I said it- I still can’t say it’s worse than the mess I put up with for 13 years, but it’s rough to deal or cope. Still I am here with a smile on my face and yet it is extremely hard to do most days. I feel so pushed away at this point. Confused because I feel like I should get away from him and make that room for his special little perfect princess of his, but don’t want to because I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. I do totally understand that it is his daughter and she deserves his love and attention but I’m positive when I say, no other woman will put up with it at the levels they have with each other and the ridiculousness that goes on with it. Maybe i should just stay single... I’m thinking so because I don’t like for me and the kids being 2nd best. May sound selfish, maybe it is but I think we will be much happier not sitting back watching her sit up high on that pedi stool. It doesn’t feel that great to leave from my kids having both mom and dad in the house, even though it was misery, they didn’t feel as if they’re pushed aside and unloved and ALOT less special when others came around. I should have knew better, yes but in the beginning of this relationship, she was only around rarely and a lot less dominant in our home when she was around. Yet here it seems after I became down in the “dependent” positions, she ran all into my space, invaded everything and very deep up his tail which he highly allows.  Here I sit, unmarried, homeless bc it’s all his even though I help pay for my car payment and whatever else I can along with buying all of the needs and things for the place, I have nothing and nothing to show for it.  “Isn’t it funny how their relationship sparked into never wanting to be apart and always up each other’s rear and do everything she tells him, with her being treated like a queen after we got in a house together, when they came from a slim relationship and she barely came around”? Is a question I have often asked myself. Stay or go, either way I’m going to be miserable and unhappy. Yet I am here, with a smile on my face because I am with the man I truly love with all my heart.

This too shall pass

So this thing called life
I find it gets harder and harder every single day. The pressure never subsides, the thoughts of continuing to live just keep getting more and more complicated and the want for my own life decreases by the hour.  They always say god will never give you more than you can handle...  I’ve had my share thank you and I believe beyond a reasonable doubt that it is bullshit. Wherever god is, I have never in my life understood why he hates me so much and gives me an extreme amount more than I can handle. The only things that have kept me going for the past 10 Years have been my children. They drive me absolutely crazy but what would life be like for them if they didn’t any longer have a mother bc she couldn’t handle anymore bullshit? I could never ever put my kids through that. I don’t think there has been a single day pass that I have not been tested. I haven’t always passed, but I have survived the storms god has thrown my way. For that, the fear has been the only thing keeping me going bc I surely do not want to be here any longer, but I need to be. My job here on earth is not finished, I will never be finished.

She Will Win

She knew this would happen...
She tries to save the world, but she fails.
She gives it all she's got, but she fails.
She helps everyone, but she loses herself.
She loses herself in the worse times, in the worse ways you could imagine.
* Wishing she were non existent from the feelings of insecurity, she's invisible and passing through doorways only passing herself as she carries the feeling of unappreciated burdens of her so called life. Only needed for pleasing others when her own self has been neglected for so long that she knows no other way of life. She's Multi talented and underpaid, yet unrefined, course, and conventional, believing that through faith, anything is possible. Head strong and heavy handed, she will one day defeat the world instead of saving it. Maybe one day she will learn to overcome the disappointments from the people she once loved, maybe she can love again. Battered, bruised, used and soft heart but by the sweat of her brow and the dirt in her nails, she will rise up!
She will conquer, she will succumb.
She will succeed, she will flourish.
She will Divide from the weak, she will WIN!

Lonely

Being lonely and left feeling alone isn't the best feeling in a marriage. Never feeling like your wanted, just ignored and walked past as if you didn't exist. Left to cook, clean and referee the kids including his, getting drove crazy by them and trying to raise them right when he has absolutely no care in the world how they turn out obviously. It's my job to make sure they graduate and to make sure they all don't turn out to be ungrateful little shits -all my job! He can skirt around with an ex girlfriend behind my back, yet I forgive him bc realizing we both neglected each other in the marriage, only now, it has become nothing but one sided. My side.... my efforts to make him happy and do all of the duties of a mother and father. Why Why Why have I done this to myself? Taking him back after this last episode and he getting busted. I am the one trying harder and apologizing? I think it's time to make some changes in my life and he will be the first one. After all, it's better than shaving my head and going insane, losing myself and the children in the process as he enjoys his best friend (his 19 year old son) - not me!
                               Sincerely, bored out of my mind bc he doesn't do a thing with me or for me.
WTH is wrong with me?

It's better this way

When a husband steps out of the marriage for someone he looked up (ex girlfriend) on social media for attention and love, I guess social media isn't the place for either of us to be. For a peace of mind, it is best that he is monitored with who he connects with outside of the home. It's all about gaining trust right? Proof that he isn't going to look anymore if your putting effort into changing and giving him more attention. I suppose it's for the greater good, and maybe help rekindle passion and friendship between us. My problem understanding the fact that me, his wife, was left out of the information that he is feeling neglected and unloved because he never said a word and never offered to do anything with me or talk to me. I've never been married for 11 years in my life so I have no idea how this works, how to ask questions on what they're feeling.  I wasn't aware or obviously missed the memo that I was supposed to talk to him regularly and ask him how he is feeling, if he's feeling happy or loved, if he's still in love with me or if he's feeling neglected. I'm DEFINATELY not the type to be asking him if he's interested in someone else or keeping tabs on him. Psycho just isn't my thing... well it is now!  I always had the understanding that they would come to you (the wife), that they are feeling neglected or wanted to hang out with you or do something with you instead of you going off with a friend or such. I've thought so many times that I wanted this marriage to be over because of this, but I have been dependent on him for 11 years and with having 3 kids and bills, there is absolutely no way I could survive without him, I love him, he's all I've known for 12 years and there's no way he could survive by committing adultry and being left to pay child support and spousal support. I feel like I should have left the marriage and be moving on, but there had been so many years of life put into this marriage that I will never get back and there's not really any sense in throwing it all away bc of this. Therefore, leaving the social media grid may not be a bad thing for the both of us.  It has its perks and I think things will be so much better. Now I can give him that attention he longs for and it will keep him away from temptation of stepping out. Thinking to myself....  why would I want to keep a man that is having temptation from stepping out of the marriage. That is his problem, not mine and obviously it isn't me that he is wanting. Is he staying because he knows he is trapped and will be broke if he leaves? Keeping in my mind that the kids will be old enough in the next few years... will he do this again when time comes that he is free of child support?  At this point, either is fine with me, I will make sure he turns to dust...  isn't it him that should be apologizing and working his ass off to gain my forgiveness and trust???  I have put in every single bit of effort for the past week and a half on making this work and killing him with love and attention, yet I have heard not one apology.  I know it's coming. Should I stop putting forth every single bit of this effort?  I feel like he has reversed the rolls onto me that it was my fault and I should shower him with love and attention when he was the one that done wrong. Not me!

Handful Of Memories

Ever wonder what it's like for others that are battling Cancer or other long term fatal sicknesses? How should we treat them, or how should we react so that it doesn't cause stress or depression for them? Afterall they are having to endure months, sometimes year long battles to keep from dying due to this and yet we all are able to walk around living our normal lives while they're watching. Sometimes they need a little more than positive energies and behavior from us, but what is it they need? They don't need lectures on goals, they already have those set in their minds. They don't need educated on tips for survival, it really isn't in their hands bc it is a disaster that they have absolutely no control over. I think it would make them wonder about their fate and destiny, but they don't need religious lectures to save them, you can pray no matter what religion your coming from and hope nothing but the best for them. In my own personal opinion, I think the greatest gift we can give these people are true friendship and they need love from their family. So much support, that they shouldn't ever have to question if they're alone in this world, or if anyone truely cares. Live life as if there's nothing wrong with them and let them vent or cry whenever they choose to they will get there when they have had enough and are ready to talk, with whoever they choose to talk to. We should never push or ask them to talk about it.

I, myself have never had to endure this battle for my own body, but have suffered months and months of this battle with my mother. We lost her May 21, 2011 and we never thought it would be so hard to lose her even though it was a relief at the same time that she no longer suffered from this tragic and heartbreaking disaster. After that & being an empath, I somewhat understand and see through my own eyes at how they possibly feel from the inside. I have listened to the small talk long enough from family and friends that are having to endure Cancers so many times over the past 10 yrs, enough to know that they do not like too many questions and people always asking them if they're ok. I could only hope that they come up with better treatments and a cure for this, it isn't fair that so many people have to fight this and if they survive, they live in worry that it will come back. It is a silent killer that we all are afraid of with or without the diagnosis, if we have it or not so we should just embrace our loved ones and enjoy life to the fullest with them until their last breath. Never forget to tell them how you feel about them and that you love them because tomorrow you may not have that chance, and will be left with just a handful of memories. 

Fake Happiness...

     Wonder what happens behind closed doors?  Some people can show that they're completely happy around other people and when they're away from the home and family, Going away from these people gives them a chance to be their true self and be happy. What is the truth when they go home to their SO (or children going home to parents)? Maybe who the person they're away from shows absolutely no happiness or reaction when they're around them and they don't care if they smile or cry because sometimes they rather be miserable and want to bring them down with them. Always want the victims attention when they want to tell them or show them something, though the victim cant even make them happy or make them smile, They show no reaction to your jokes or enjoy music with you and They're constantly annoyed simply because the victim wants to tell them a funny story on something that happened or listen to an amazing song they found. Maybe there's nothing but negativity and a smart mouth to them when they show happiness.  Is this abuse? What should these victims do when they are with someone like that?...
     Maybe there's physical abuse covered up but no one notices. The old excuse "I fell out of bed", "I was hit with a ball", "I tripped".  Some people can get into situations so bad and are stuck because they have nowhere else to go and such a soft hearted person that they cannot bare to see the abuser cry when they have left them, so they return voluntarily to be their punching bag or negative absorber. Maybe they're not able to financially support themselves and/or the children if they separated. What is the perfect comeback to that one, what would you say? Maybe we should dig a little deeper and think, this abuser was probably raised just like this to where they think these victims owe them something, it gives them a chance to treat another as they were treated though this does not excuse for how they treat others. Constantly bringing them down as if it is their goal and No one else can have this victim because they belong to them and they know that. The abuser knows you love them, and it makes perfect sense, and is the perfect setting for this creation. We should never believe half of what we see from the outside, and shouldn't be afraid to take on the task of saving another from any type of abuse. I have yet to understand that when other people (friends or family of the abusers or victims)  see how these abusers are acting and never say a word to them in their behavior or try to open their eyes that they could lose this person. Personally encountered this while the abuser claims to be the victim!  Seen this so many times it's truely the perfect reverse psychology technique to make the victim end up being the apologetic one and look as if they're the abuser and this is all their fault.  We should not be nieve to these excuses and talk to these people. Maybe you can be the lighthouse to their storm... Let's step up!

Love Yourself

What do you do in your free time/ down time when you are all alone without kids and/or the SO around? It happens so rarely for me, I don't know what to do. Should I take a nap, clean the house that I always complain about because of the kids, should I turn the radio on and hangout via Facebook, or what about upkeeping myself- eyebrows, teeth cleaning, hairstyles? What do you do vs what should you do? When your life is completely engulfed in nothing but work work work, especially the kind that you do not get paid for, you should STOP and take yourself a day here and there, it certainly isn't hurting anyone. Maybe go for a jog, do a little gardening. Find and love yourself, bc what would the world look like for the ones that love you if you weren't here and doing what you do? People don't always notice what you do in life just because you stay at home, but would it be those things you do or would it be you that they miss if anything happened? I have a fun, interesting idea that would probably help and serve anyone that feels like they're alone in this world and unappreciated, A challenge sort-of. Making a list of things to ask my family, the kids and my friends (individually), simply because I want to see what the answers are just for my curiosity and boredom, but more importantly, information to see what your best feature is, what people love and would miss about you if You were gone. Some people, this could give perspective to what they may want to work on or change in their life if they don't get the answers that makes them feel better about themselves. Would love for everyone to do this with me and comment with your feedback on what you feel like after and thoughts on your answers (you don't have to put your answers). Mine will be in the comments as well 😉 Good luck 🍀 😘

                                 Fifteen Questions Quiz

#1     How did we meet?

#2     How Long and Well do you know me?

#3     Are we Friends, Family or Acquaintances?

#4     What is your favorite characteristic of me?

#5     What quality do I need to improve on?

#6     What is your favorite memory of us together?

#7     What would you miss about me the most?

#8     What would be my nick-name for you and why?

#9     Am I important to you? Why am I important to you?

#10   [close your eyes] What is my eye color?

#11    How do I make you feel?

#12    What is the one thing about my past that I would change for the better if I could do over?

#13    How have I impacted, challenged or influenced your life?

#14    What do you think is holding me back from my true self?

#15    Where do you think we will be in 10, 20 or 30 years?

* life is too short to worry about the little things. It should be about family, friends and love - spending quality time and making memories! ❤️  Along in all the craziness and daily hustle, DONT FORGET TO LOVE YOURSELF!

Counting down

Are you counting the days until back to school? Sadly, I was beginning to count at day 2. The chaos and turmoil never cease to follow me with my 3 children. One has to touch the other, while the other is screaming, one is intentionally destroying what the other is creating and at least 2 of the 3 are always talking, begging for my attention as soon as I get a phone call or hit the send button. Their rooms are a mess but they will not quit the nonsense before they completely driven me batshit insane ( I'm pretty sure it's their goal). The term "when mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy", is that just a slogan made up by a tv commercial, or is there something wrong with my kids?  I have never in my life seen or heard 3 kids absolutely hate each other as much as my kids do.  I have finally accepted the fact that I will never ever have a clean/spotless house until they have grown and moved out and I am just as surprised as my husband that I am not an alcoholic or druggy just to calm the fire in my soul from all of my stress from these children. Being a stay-at-home mother and wife (or single parent) is equivalent to working 13 hour shifts at a physical job with 3 bosses yelling at you the entire time and you should never ever let anyone tell you any different!!! Who knows, maybe you are a luck filled person with wonderful kids that do their homework, clean their rooms and do their chores with love and understanding without basically telling you that they hate you and their siblings and hope you choke to death or stroke out and die without them having to say a word. Today I watched the news and heard a news cast of a woman and her husband using a switch and stick on their daughter for a spanking bc they caught her talking to a boy that she wasn't supposed to be talking to. The girl ran next door calling the cops and the parents were taken to jail for aggrivated child abuse bc she had welts and taken to the hospital to check for "possible" broken bones... From a switch and small stick, is this a joke?  #1, are you fucking kidding me? #2, whoever thought up these rules and that this was child abuse needs to be beaten in the face with spikes for their stupidity, they're the ones that have made this world an extra sensitive STUPID place!!!! Better yet...  greatest punishment for those illiterate dumbasses, Make them obligated to house in their own home these children and teenagers that they have created from putting parents in jail for their stupid parenting rules. Parents need to step up and be more like that woman! To all of us wooden spoon parents out there.... kudos to you! 😙