Lonely

Being lonely and left feeling alone isn't the best feeling in a marriage. Never feeling like your wanted, just ignored and walked past as if you didn't exist. Left to cook, clean and referee the kids including his, getting drove crazy by them and trying to raise them right when he has absolutely no care in the world how they turn out obviously. It's my job to make sure they graduate and to make sure they all don't turn out to be ungrateful little shits -all my job! He can skirt around with an ex girlfriend behind my back, yet I forgive him bc realizing we both neglected each other in the marriage, only now, it has become nothing but one sided. My side.... my efforts to make him happy and do all of the duties of a mother and father. Why Why Why have I done this to myself? Taking him back after this last episode and he getting busted. I am the one trying harder and apologizing? I think it's time to make some changes in my life and he will be the first one. After all, it's better than shaving my head and going insane, losing myself and the children in the process as he enjoys his best friend (his 19 year old son) - not me!
                               Sincerely, bored out of my mind bc he doesn't do a thing with me or for me.
WTH is wrong with me?

It's better this way

When a husband steps out of the marriage for someone he looked up (ex girlfriend) on social media for attention and love, I guess social media isn't the place for either of us to be. For a peace of mind, it is best that he is monitored with who he connects with outside of the home. It's all about gaining trust right? Proof that he isn't going to look anymore if your putting effort into changing and giving him more attention. I suppose it's for the greater good, and maybe help rekindle passion and friendship between us. My problem understanding the fact that me, his wife, was left out of the information that he is feeling neglected and unloved because he never said a word and never offered to do anything with me or talk to me. I've never been married for 11 years in my life so I have no idea how this works, how to ask questions on what they're feeling.  I wasn't aware or obviously missed the memo that I was supposed to talk to him regularly and ask him how he is feeling, if he's feeling happy or loved, if he's still in love with me or if he's feeling neglected. I'm DEFINATELY not the type to be asking him if he's interested in someone else or keeping tabs on him. Psycho just isn't my thing... well it is now!  I always had the understanding that they would come to you (the wife), that they are feeling neglected or wanted to hang out with you or do something with you instead of you going off with a friend or such. I've thought so many times that I wanted this marriage to be over because of this, but I have been dependent on him for 11 years and with having 3 kids and bills, there is absolutely no way I could survive without him, I love him, he's all I've known for 12 years and there's no way he could survive by committing adultry and being left to pay child support and spousal support. I feel like I should have left the marriage and be moving on, but there had been so many years of life put into this marriage that I will never get back and there's not really any sense in throwing it all away bc of this. Therefore, leaving the social media grid may not be a bad thing for the both of us.  It has its perks and I think things will be so much better. Now I can give him that attention he longs for and it will keep him away from temptation of stepping out. Thinking to myself....  why would I want to keep a man that is having temptation from stepping out of the marriage. That is his problem, not mine and obviously it isn't me that he is wanting. Is he staying because he knows he is trapped and will be broke if he leaves? Keeping in my mind that the kids will be old enough in the next few years... will he do this again when time comes that he is free of child support?  At this point, either is fine with me, I will make sure he turns to dust...  isn't it him that should be apologizing and working his ass off to gain my forgiveness and trust???  I have put in every single bit of effort for the past week and a half on making this work and killing him with love and attention, yet I have heard not one apology.  I know it's coming. Should I stop putting forth every single bit of this effort?  I feel like he has reversed the rolls onto me that it was my fault and I should shower him with love and attention when he was the one that done wrong. Not me!

Handful Of Memories

Ever wonder what it's like for others that are battling Cancer or other long term fatal sicknesses? How should we treat them, or how should we react so that it doesn't cause stress or depression for them? Afterall they are having to endure months, sometimes year long battles to keep from dying due to this and yet we all are able to walk around living our normal lives while they're watching. Sometimes they need a little more than positive energies and behavior from us, but what is it they need? They don't need lectures on goals, they already have those set in their minds. They don't need educated on tips for survival, it really isn't in their hands bc it is a disaster that they have absolutely no control over. I think it would make them wonder about their fate and destiny, but they don't need religious lectures to save them, you can pray no matter what religion your coming from and hope nothing but the best for them. In my own personal opinion, I think the greatest gift we can give these people are true friendship and they need love from their family. So much support, that they shouldn't ever have to question if they're alone in this world, or if anyone truely cares. Live life as if there's nothing wrong with them and let them vent or cry whenever they choose to they will get there when they have had enough and are ready to talk, with whoever they choose to talk to. We should never push or ask them to talk about it.

I, myself have never had to endure this battle for my own body, but have suffered months and months of this battle with my mother. We lost her May 21, 2011 and we never thought it would be so hard to lose her even though it was a relief at the same time that she no longer suffered from this tragic and heartbreaking disaster. After that & being an empath, I somewhat understand and see through my own eyes at how they possibly feel from the inside. I have listened to the small talk long enough from family and friends that are having to endure Cancers so many times over the past 10 yrs, enough to know that they do not like too many questions and people always asking them if they're ok. I could only hope that they come up with better treatments and a cure for this, it isn't fair that so many people have to fight this and if they survive, they live in worry that it will come back. It is a silent killer that we all are afraid of with or without the diagnosis, if we have it or not so we should just embrace our loved ones and enjoy life to the fullest with them until their last breath. Never forget to tell them how you feel about them and that you love them because tomorrow you may not have that chance, and will be left with just a handful of memories. 

Fake Happiness...

     Wonder what happens behind closed doors?  Some people can show that they're completely happy around other people and when they're away from the home and family, Going away from these people gives them a chance to be their true self and be happy. What is the truth when they go home to their SO (or children going home to parents)? Maybe who the person they're away from shows absolutely no happiness or reaction when they're around them and they don't care if they smile or cry because sometimes they rather be miserable and want to bring them down with them. Always want the victims attention when they want to tell them or show them something, though the victim cant even make them happy or make them smile, They show no reaction to your jokes or enjoy music with you and They're constantly annoyed simply because the victim wants to tell them a funny story on something that happened or listen to an amazing song they found. Maybe there's nothing but negativity and a smart mouth to them when they show happiness.  Is this abuse? What should these victims do when they are with someone like that?...
     Maybe there's physical abuse covered up but no one notices. The old excuse "I fell out of bed", "I was hit with a ball", "I tripped".  Some people can get into situations so bad and are stuck because they have nowhere else to go and such a soft hearted person that they cannot bare to see the abuser cry when they have left them, so they return voluntarily to be their punching bag or negative absorber. Maybe they're not able to financially support themselves and/or the children if they separated. What is the perfect comeback to that one, what would you say? Maybe we should dig a little deeper and think, this abuser was probably raised just like this to where they think these victims owe them something, it gives them a chance to treat another as they were treated though this does not excuse for how they treat others. Constantly bringing them down as if it is their goal and No one else can have this victim because they belong to them and they know that. The abuser knows you love them, and it makes perfect sense, and is the perfect setting for this creation. We should never believe half of what we see from the outside, and shouldn't be afraid to take on the task of saving another from any type of abuse. I have yet to understand that when other people (friends or family of the abusers or victims)  see how these abusers are acting and never say a word to them in their behavior or try to open their eyes that they could lose this person. Personally encountered this while the abuser claims to be the victim!  Seen this so many times it's truely the perfect reverse psychology technique to make the victim end up being the apologetic one and look as if they're the abuser and this is all their fault.  We should not be nieve to these excuses and talk to these people. Maybe you can be the lighthouse to their storm... Let's step up!

Love Yourself

What do you do in your free time/ down time when you are all alone without kids and/or the SO around? It happens so rarely for me, I don't know what to do. Should I take a nap, clean the house that I always complain about because of the kids, should I turn the radio on and hangout via Facebook, or what about upkeeping myself- eyebrows, teeth cleaning, hairstyles? What do you do vs what should you do? When your life is completely engulfed in nothing but work work work, especially the kind that you do not get paid for, you should STOP and take yourself a day here and there, it certainly isn't hurting anyone. Maybe go for a jog, do a little gardening. Find and love yourself, bc what would the world look like for the ones that love you if you weren't here and doing what you do? People don't always notice what you do in life just because you stay at home, but would it be those things you do or would it be you that they miss if anything happened? I have a fun, interesting idea that would probably help and serve anyone that feels like they're alone in this world and unappreciated, A challenge sort-of. Making a list of things to ask my family, the kids and my friends (individually), simply because I want to see what the answers are just for my curiosity and boredom, but more importantly, information to see what your best feature is, what people love and would miss about you if You were gone. Some people, this could give perspective to what they may want to work on or change in their life if they don't get the answers that makes them feel better about themselves. Would love for everyone to do this with me and comment with your feedback on what you feel like after and thoughts on your answers (you don't have to put your answers). Mine will be in the comments as well 😉 Good luck 🍀 😘

                                 Fifteen Questions Quiz

#1     How did we meet?

#2     How Long and Well do you know me?

#3     Are we Friends, Family or Acquaintances?

#4     What is your favorite characteristic of me?

#5     What quality do I need to improve on?

#6     What is your favorite memory of us together?

#7     What would you miss about me the most?

#8     What would be my nick-name for you and why?

#9     Am I important to you? Why am I important to you?

#10   [close your eyes] What is my eye color?

#11    How do I make you feel?

#12    What is the one thing about my past that I would change for the better if I could do over?

#13    How have I impacted, challenged or influenced your life?

#14    What do you think is holding me back from my true self?

#15    Where do you think we will be in 10, 20 or 30 years?

* life is too short to worry about the little things. It should be about family, friends and love - spending quality time and making memories! ❤️  Along in all the craziness and daily hustle, DONT FORGET TO LOVE YOURSELF!

Counting down

Are you counting the days until back to school? Sadly, I was beginning to count at day 2. The chaos and turmoil never cease to follow me with my 3 children. One has to touch the other, while the other is screaming, one is intentionally destroying what the other is creating and at least 2 of the 3 are always talking, begging for my attention as soon as I get a phone call or hit the send button. Their rooms are a mess but they will not quit the nonsense before they completely driven me batshit insane ( I'm pretty sure it's their goal). The term "when mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy", is that just a slogan made up by a tv commercial, or is there something wrong with my kids?  I have never in my life seen or heard 3 kids absolutely hate each other as much as my kids do.  I have finally accepted the fact that I will never ever have a clean/spotless house until they have grown and moved out and I am just as surprised as my husband that I am not an alcoholic or druggy just to calm the fire in my soul from all of my stress from these children. Being a stay-at-home mother and wife (or single parent) is equivalent to working 13 hour shifts at a physical job with 3 bosses yelling at you the entire time and you should never ever let anyone tell you any different!!! Who knows, maybe you are a luck filled person with wonderful kids that do their homework, clean their rooms and do their chores with love and understanding without basically telling you that they hate you and their siblings and hope you choke to death or stroke out and die without them having to say a word. Today I watched the news and heard a news cast of a woman and her husband using a switch and stick on their daughter for a spanking bc they caught her talking to a boy that she wasn't supposed to be talking to. The girl ran next door calling the cops and the parents were taken to jail for aggrivated child abuse bc she had welts and taken to the hospital to check for "possible" broken bones... From a switch and small stick, is this a joke?  #1, are you fucking kidding me? #2, whoever thought up these rules and that this was child abuse needs to be beaten in the face with spikes for their stupidity, they're the ones that have made this world an extra sensitive STUPID place!!!! Better yet...  greatest punishment for those illiterate dumbasses, Make them obligated to house in their own home these children and teenagers that they have created from putting parents in jail for their stupid parenting rules. Parents need to step up and be more like that woman! To all of us wooden spoon parents out there.... kudos to you! 😙